London was what I called 'my aim in life'.
It was that one thing I wanted with all my heart and soul and mind (and I still
can't believe I got it), that one big wish that some people never have granted.
Already when I was in London, one afternoon walking the streets with Ann, I
told her that it was about time to find a new aim because without something to
focus and work on my life felt out of balance.
Well, she made my new aim to work on staying in London, at least for a little
while and oh wonder, we even managed that.
After that, I lost sight of my aims and what I want out of life and focused a
bit more on my well-being. I took whatever life decided to offer me, always
thankful and happy, but often not caring about the people around me anymore.
And now that I've got my life under control again and can say that I am
actually happy, it's about time I devote some time to making the world a better
place again. I never lost my opinions and views out of sight, they never
changed. I'm still tolerant and open-minded (really, even if I point with the
finger and make fun of people), I've just developed a new level of
self-confidence that I'm still testing out.
You either like what I have to say, or you don't. If you don't speak up for
yourself, you'll never get where you wanna go. So what if I've become a bit
crueler, a little less meek? I'm still the same person who'll offer comfort to
friends and an open ear and who'd give an arm and a leg for anyone that matters
to me.
But enough about who I am. I'd much rather talk about what I wanna do.
My new aim is - and I know that it might sound a little corny - to get at least
one kid, later on when I teach or even earlier at cram school, to learn
something from me; and I'm not talking about the contents in class. I want one
of my future students to develop an undying love for literature, I want one of
them to be able to say 'If I learned something in class then it has to be the
love for books'. I know it sounds silly, and a lot of kids read, but I don't
think a lot of them give thought to it.
When I read, let's take Paul Auster's New York Trilogy, I get caught up in the
book, so much that by the end of it I'm yearning for more so badly that it's
irritating and hurts. I want them to marvel at the combination of words, I want
them to appreciate the people who form and shape fantasy worlds for us to feel
better.
And I want to teach them to believe.
You might think 'Yeah, of course you do, what with your studies' but it's not
about religion. I don't want to teach children to become good Christians, I
don't want to teach them how to pray and go to church and believe in God - I
want them to realise that as long as they believe in something, of whatever
shape or form, they're never lost.
I, for myself, can say that I believe in God. I believe that there is something
that makes the world happen, someone who knows all the reasons as to why there
is so much misery and death and crime and hate in the world and I believe that
we're in no position to question any of it. I really do believe that everything
happens for a reason and that we have to learn from our afflictions, no matter
how hard they are, and that alone makes me a better person.
Right, that's maybe a concept that seems pretty far out there to a lot of
people and it sounds a lot like I'm saying that believing in God makes me a
better person, but that's not the point at all.
Ever since I started consciously believing in something I feel
much more content, I don't feel like I have to constantly justify my actions
because I did what I had to do for a reason. I once had a conversation about
God's plans being laid out already and that whenever we make a decision we
never really make one because it all happens 'as planned'. It was a very
enlightening conversation I have to say and only adds up to my new-found
self-confidence because I feel like I am 'doing what is right'.
And I really want to help someone else to experience the same.
As a teacher, I am in no position to turn kids into religious fanatics, and I
am in no position to turn them against religion, even if my approach to that
matter seems to be a lot anti-religious. I don't believe in forcing people into
a belief - what good is it if it is half-hearted?
I want them to find something that they can hold onto in the hardest of their
moments, something they can look up to and say 'This is something they can't
take away from me.' If that happens to be God then, cool. If not, cool.
All I really want is to have a positive influence on one single life.
